As
we progress
into 2013, I
want to thank
you all for
your
educational
e-mails over
the past
year. I am
totally
screwed up now
and have
little chance
of recovery.
I
can no longer
open a
bathroom door
without
using a paper
towel, nor let
the waitress
put lemon
slices in my
ice water
without
worrying about
the bacteria
on the lemon
peel.
I
can't sit down
on a hotel
bedspread because
I can only
imagine what
has happened
on it since it
was last
washed.
I
have trouble
shaking hands
with
someone who
has been
driving
because the
number one
pastime while
driving alone
is picking
one's nose.
Eating
a little snack
sends me on a
guilt trip
because
I can only
imagine how
many gallons
of trans fats
I have
consumed over
the years.
I
can't touch
any woman's
handbag for
fear she has
placed it on
the floor of a
public toilet.
I
must send my
special thanks
for
the email
about rat poo
in the glue on
envelopes
because I now
have to use a
wet sponge
with every
envelope that
needs sealing.
ALSO,
now
I have to
scrub the top
of every can I
open for the
same reason.
I
can't have a
drink in a bar
because I fear
I'll wake up
in a bathtub
full of ice
with my
kidneys gone.
I
can't eat at
KFC because
their chickens
are actually
horrible
mutant freaks
with no eyes,
feet or
feathers.
I
can't use
cancer-causing
deodorants even
though I smell
like a water
buffalo on a
hot day.
Thanks
to you I
have learned
that my
prayers only
get answered
if I forward
an e-mail to
seven of my
friends and
make a wish
within five
minutes.
Because
of your
concern , I
no longer
drink Coca
Cola because
it can remove
toilet stains.
I
no longer buy
fuel
without taking
someone along
to watch the
car, so a
serial killer
doesn't crawl
in my back
seat when I'm
filling up.
I
no longer use
Cling Wrap in
the microwave
because it
causes seven
different
types of
cancer.
And
thanks for
letting me
know I
can't boil a
cup of water
in the
microwave
anymore
because it
will blow up
in my face,
disfiguring me
for life.
I
no longer go
to the cinema
because
I could be
pricked with a
needle
infected with
AIDS when I
sit down.
I
no longer go
to shopping
centers because
someone will
drug me with a
perfume sample
and rob me..
And
I no longer
answer the
phone because
someone
will ask me to
dial a number
for which I
will get a
huge phone
bill with
calls to
Jamaica ,
Uganda ,
Singapore and
Uzbekistan
Thanks
to you I
can't use
anyone's
toilet but
mine because a
big black
snake could be
lurking under
the seat and
cause me
instant death
when it bites
my butt.
And
thanks to your
great advice I
can't ever
pick up a
quarter coin
dropped in the
car park
because it was
probably
placed there
by a sex
molester
waiting to
grab me as I
bend over.
I
can't do any
gardening because
I'm afraid
I'll get
bitten by the
Violin Spider
and my hand
will fall off.
If
you don't send
this e-mail to
at least
144,000 people
in the next 70
minutes, a
large dove
with diarrhea
will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
Oh,
and by the
way...
A
German
scientist from
Argentina ,
after a
lengthy study,
has discovered
that people
with
insufficient
brain activity
read their
e-mails with
their hand on
the mouse
Don't
bother taking
it off now,
it's too late.
P.
S. I now keep
my toothbrush
in the living
room, because
I was told by
e-mail that
water splashes
over 6 ft. out
of the
toilet..
NOW
YOU HAVE
YOURSELF A
VERY GOOD DAY
THANKS HARRI
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